Pastor Aaron Brown

Trigger Warning: Grief and Loss.

On June 18th, 2026, a good friend of mine passed unexpectedly. When I found out, I was completely shocked, and then… numb.
Unfortunately, I’ve experienced enough loss to recognize what my body and mind were going through. Over time, I’ve adopted a framework for understanding grief and dealing with significant loss. I share it here hoping that it may help someone.

Here’s a four stage framework for understanding grief and moving through loss. It’s not perfect, but it may be helpful.

Stage 1: Shock and Numbness.

This is what we often feel in the immediate aftermath, where our brain protects us from the sheer weight of the loss.

It’s important to let this phase do its job. Shock and numbness create a buffer between us and the overwhelming reality of what we’ve just experienced. This stage gives us space to position ourselves for what is coming next.

During this phase, I focus on three simple steps:

Step 1: Admit the Reality

The first thing I need to do is admit that I’m not okay and that this situation is not normal.

By naming the loss, I fully engage with it. It’s like admitting that I’ve just experienced a shipwreck. Once I’m honest about what’s happened, I can choose to grab hold of a buoyant piece of driftwood instead of drowning.

Step 2: Name the Tool

In this metaphor, the thing I’m holding onto for dear life is actually my grief.

This may sound counterintuitive, but grief is the thing that helps us survive the storm. If I refuse to acknowledge it, it can overwhelm me. But when I name it and understand it, it can do its job of protecting me.

Just as a plank can become a life raft, grief can become a tool that helps us ride the waves of loss.

Step 3: Ride the Waves

Again, it seems counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do in a storm is not fight the waves. You have to rise with them and ride them.

Understanding the stages of grief helps us engage intentionally with what we’re experiencing instead of being blindsided by it. It’s the difference between being tossed around by the ocean and climbing onto that plank like a bodyboard, allowing the very thing that could destroy you to carry you forward.

Once we’ve admitted the reality of the shipwreck and allowed grief to do its job, we’re ready to navigate the loss. The stages that follow often come in distinct waves. They may repeat, overlap, or arrive out of order. That’s normal.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel much yet. Use this moment of shock to admit the situation to yourself and get safe and stable. The next wave is coming, and it’s going to be a big one.

Three Things to Remember in Stage 1

– Numbness is a normal response to loss. Feeling detached, confused, or emotionally flat does not mean you don’t care. It is often the brain’s way of protecting you from emotional overload.
– You do not need to process everything right now. Your only job is to get through the next hour, day, or week. Major decisions can usually wait.
– Grief affects the body as much as the mind. Fatigue, poor concentration, forgetfulness, appetite changes, and sleep disruption are common.

One Thing to Do

Focus on basic self-care. Eat something nourishing, drink water, rest, and stay connected to at least one safe person each day.


Stage 2: Yearning and Searching.

This is a period characterized by intense longing, sadness, and a desire for things to return to normal.

This is often one of the most painful stages for me because it’s where I begin to fully realize that life has changed forever.

Some people describe this phase as bargaining because we may desperately wish we could somehow buy back the time, the moments, and the love we’ve lost.

Three Things to Remember

– Longing is a reflection of love and attachment. Missing someone intensely is not a sign of weakness; it’s evidence that the relationship mattered.
– Grief comes in waves. Some moments will feel manageable and others overwhelming. Emotional ups and downs are expected.
– You cannot think your way out of grief. Trying to suppress or out-reason the pain often prolongs it. Feelings need to be acknowledged, not defeated.

One Thing to Do

Say their name even when it hurts. Tell stories and share memories. Talk about the person, write in a journal, look at photos, or share meaningful memories with trusted people.


Stage 3: Disorganization and Despair.

This stage is  when the permanence of the loss becomes clearer and life can feel overwhelming.

When these feelings hit, it’s tempting to fight them. But one of the healthiest things we can do is allow them to happen.

If the person we lost was deeply loved, then it would be disingenuous to pretend otherwise. Expecting ourselves not to hurt would be like asking a wound not to bleed.

It may feel like losing control. It may feel unsafe. But it is normal, and it is necessary.

Letting it hurt is like letting a wound bleed. It’s messy and painful, but it’s also cleansing. It prepares us for healing.

Three Things to Remember

– Feeling lost does not mean you are failing. Many people experience confusion, lack of motivation, and a sense that life no longer fits together.
– Your identity may be changing. Grief often requires redefining roles, routines, and expectations.
– Hopeless feelings are not permanent facts. Despair can make the future look empty, but emotions are not reliable predictors of what life will feel like six months or a year from now.

One Thing to Do

Create a simple daily structure. Choose two or three essential tasks each day—take a shower, go for a walk, attend work, call a friend. Small routines help restore stability.


Stage 4: Reorganization

This is the slow process of establishing a new normal.

In my experience, this stage doesn’t arrive all at once. Instead, it’s like we’re collecting flotsam and jetsam from the wreckage of our previous life as we move through the waves. We can either be overwhelmed by the loss, or we can choose to lash those pieces together and build something new.

Some people call this phase acceptance because we eventually choose to make peace with reality and begin building a meaningful life within it.
Personally, I’m still recognizing and rebuilding after losses that I have not fully accepted and have absolutely no peace about… The bad news is that, for some losses, this process can take a lifetime. The good news is that we can continue loving the person we’ve lost while allowing that love to give us strength to build a new reality that honors their memory.

During this stage, you may find yourself revisiting shock, yearning, and despair on a regular basis. That’s normal. Deep grief isn’t linear. The important thing is to keep moving forward, even if only a little at a time.

Remember, there’s no timeline for loss, only the pace your heart can manage.

Life will never be the same.

But different doesn’t mean hopeless.

It can still be good. Infact, life can still be amazing. When we choose to move through the grief and let our love gives the courage to build a new future, we will find moments that really do feel whole and normal again.

Three Things to Remember

– Moving forward is not the same as moving on. Healing does not require forgetting or leaving the person behind.
– Joy and grief can coexist. Feeling happiness, laughter, or peace does not dishonor the loss.
– Growth often looks ordinary. Progress is usually found in small moments of functioning, connection, and purpose rather than dramatic breakthroughs.

One Thing to Do

Invest in one meaningful activity. Volunteer, reconnect with friends, pursue a hobby, serve others, join a group, or engage in a spiritual practice that provides purpose and connection.


A Simple Summary: Stage – Remember -Do

Shock & Numbness – “I don’t have to process everything today.” – Focus on basic self-care.

Yearning & Searching – “My longing reflects my love.” – Share stories and memories.

Disorganization & Despair – “Feeling lost is part of grief, not failure.” – Maintain a simple daily routine.

Reorganization – “I can carry the loss and still live fully.” – Invest in meaningful activities and relationships.

Final Thoughts

The deepest truth I’ve learned about grief is this: we don’t get over love; we just learn how to carry it differently. We let it heal us and embolden us. We will still get sad, but the memories are worth it, and they will start to hurt less.

Over time, the loss can lose some of its weight. The greife can even bring a kind of contrast that helps our hope and joy feel fuller as we continue honoring our loved one by living fully.

It might be hard to imagine right now, but there is hope and there will be joy again. In the meantime, don’t look too hard for it. Just ride the waves of grief, and let your emotions do their job of protecting you and bringing you through the storm.